Saturday, December 24, 2011

These Are a Few of My Least Favorite Things...

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
I was at my computer
Clicking on websites with my mouse
I decided to write up
An article that was about
The things that I detest
Without a shadow of a doubt
From annoying posters
To obnoxious message boards
These are the things I dislike
The amount? Well, how about in hordes?
This isn't your typical Xmas post
It's more negative than most
It's not meant to ruin your holiday
So pardon SuperPhillip, as I am your host.

Memes - These are perfect for people who lack a decent sense of humor so they have to regurgitate ad nauseum jokes that were never funny to begin with. These are people who cannot come up with their own material, so they run to humorless memes. See: GameFAQs, NeoGAF, and any other internet forum. Stop using them, and stop trying to be funny and always failing. Thank you, and Merry Christmas.

Internet forums - Full of trolls, console warriors, and passive-aggressive posters, forums are the underbelly of the Internet. What good are they? You try to have a discussion and it gets derailed by people who are not smart enough to ignore the obvious flame and/or troll bait. I got to the point where I purposefully got myself banned on every forum I visited so I wouldn't have to suffer using such garbage sites. Thank you, and Merry Christmas.

GoNintendo - Ran by a sedentary lumberjack wannabe, this site is a breeding ground for stupid comments, unfunny Internet humor (just see the top right bar on the site), rumors that are usually proven false (there's a reason this POS of a site is banned on NeoGAF), and console warrior posts by the (censors self) man who runs the site. The mods there are tactless 15 year-olds, the prime user base of Nintendo products, so at least that makes sense. Thank you, and Merry Christmas.

NeoGAF - There's a good idea behind not posting on these forums. I lurk, and do nothing more than that. The site is ran by mods who troll and allow certain trolls to have free reign to post whatever they want because they sleep with them or whatever. Then you have morons who continuously shout "BELIEVE" and "BOMBA" in every post, use memes constantly after making fun of GameFAQs for doing the same (hypocrites much?), and have just as many console warriors as other forums. They are hardly the elites they think they are. Yes, they are elitist, but they aren't elite. Thank you, and Merry Christmas.

Michael Pachter - We get it. You're an analyst who gets a six figure salary for being wrong all of the time. Where do I sign up to take your job? I don't get paid to do what I do, and I'm right more than you are. I'll be waiting for my own show, GameTrailers. Thank you, and Merry Christmas.

The VGAs - Thankfully anyone outside the United States did not have this on their cable. Video games are already treated like a red-headed stepchild. Now we have Geoff Keighley (I don't care if it is spelled correctly or not) and his VGAs to make the industry look even more immature and pathetic. Teabagging winners? Giving more time to crappy C-list celebrities than the people who design the games we play? It was an embarrassment of a show, and it will continue to be as long as Spike TV has any say in it. "What would you do to improve it?" I dunno, Geoff. How about not suck? Thank you, and Merry Christmas.

Microsoft's Kinect - This tech had so much potential, yet it's being used for garbage games. I don't care if it's making the 360 (a system which had the highest failure rate ever) sell well, it's tacky tech, and it's a fad like all of those military and space marine shooters. At least the Wii had games aimed for the core. The Kinect does not. Some games like Dance Central are excellent, but most of the other games seldom read your body movements. It's bad enough that Microsoft basically crapped on their loyal (how anyone is loyal to a company is beyond me) fan base. Kinect is just an insult to injury with low software sales to boot. Thank you, and Merry Christmas.

Sony fanboys - Now, not every console warrior is the same, so don't think I'm generalizing. You guys were fine last generation, but being from first to worst changed you guys. You're highly obnoxious, trolling everything you can get your Cheeto dust-covered hands on. The PlayStation 3 has a robust and excellent library. Be happy with that. Who cares that it's third place? Apparently you folks do, and you're fools for doing so. Stop being annoying on message boards, play all of those great games, and quit embarrassing yourselves for once. I beg of you. Thank you, and Merry Christmas.

Nintendo of America's 2011 Wii release schedule - What can you say about several months with little to no (mostly no) games to speak of? Where was Xenoblade to fill in that hole? Yes, it's coming out in April of next year, but the game could have and possibly should have been there to appease those owners of dusty Wii systems. Instead us Americans got games like Wii Play Motion and Mystery Case Files: The Malgrave Incident. Really? Who wants that? Casuals don't even want those games. Thank you, and Merry Christmas.

Entitled gamers - The 3DS Ambassador program was Nintendo's way of giving a treat to early adopters to their newest portable. However, there is a faction of gamers who don't like the 20+ free games given to them and want more. Really now? They expect Nintendo to give them $80 on a gift card or something like that. Ridiculous. You were the people who decided $250 was worth it for the 3DS. You made your bed, shut up and sleep in it. While you're at it, who the (censors self) crap chute do you think you are? You're not any more special than I or anyone else who was an Ambassador. Thank you, and Merry Christmas.

Yahtzee - Not the board game-- that's actually entertaining sometimes. Zero Punctuation's Yahtzee is terrific for reviews of games full of wry British humor that fails to be funny. It's just some bloke randomly ranting and hissing air. I got it-- you hate everything. How edgy. How cool. How unfunny. I don't care if you get hits. So does frightening furry art of Sonic the Hedgehog characters in dirty diapers. It doesn't make you any more interesting, nor does talking really fast like the Micro Machines guy. Seriously. Remember that guy? He was hilarious! Thank you, and Merry Christmas.

Roseanne's final season - So they won the Illinois lottery. That didn't bother me. The fact that the final season was bizarre and unfunny, well, that sort of got me hot and bothered. Almost all of the show's nine seasons were about a lower class Midwest family. That was cool. I sympathized heavily with that. The blue collar humor and fun relationship between Roseanne and Dan Connor were sensational and hilarious. This last season was just... not anything good. Some episodes were humorous, but those were too few and far in between. Can I get a witness? A what-what? Thank you, and Merry Christmas.

===

Ah... that feels ever so much better. It's not often that you get to see your buddy SuperPhillip "vent", so that was pleasant. It's not good to bundle that up inside of you. You'll get diarrhea! What are your favorite and least favorite things? Feel free to rant inside the comments section.

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