Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Wiitriol: Ask Your Doctor if Wiitriol is Wrong For You.

Hello. DoctorPhillip here. Now while I may not be a doctor (and I don't play one on TV har-har), I have noticed a startling amount of people being diagnosed with taking the dangerous non-prescription, over-the-counter drug, Wiitriol. I don't generally post stories regarding fanboy wars as that's usually a very small part of the industry in the grand scheme of things. However, this problem not only encompasses message board culture, but it even thrives and heavily persists in game journalism and several developers. This scientific report discusses just how detrimental to gaming they are, and just how annoyed the rest of us are of them.

Let me first preface this by discussing what the drug Wiitriol does. It gives the user an extremely strong hatred and/or resentment towards the Wii. This isn't without side-effects, however, and I would like to run down the list that people should watch out for. Perhaps this can help you diagnose some people yourself!

Willful Ignorance

This side-effect alters the brain patterns of a user, making them purposefully ignorant about cold-hard facts. Complaining about third party sales only works if that user lives in Japan. Anywhere else, and they just look desperate to attack the Wii. It's all right though because there is help.

Characteristics of an Ostrich

This is a very scary one. I mean, who wants to look like an ostrich, am I right? This is usually associated with people who say such lines like "My Wii is collecting dust" or "I haven't played my Wii since *insert game from a year ago*". The problem with this is that if a person couldn't find one game from the many that have released since this past year, then they haven't been looking or even attempting to look at all. You have to ask them why their heads are so dusty. Of course, you and them both know the answer. No, it's not because they haven't turned on their heads in over a year (though for some this IS overwhelmingly true). No, they've just had their heads in the sand this whole time.

Wii Envy

Wii owners should NEVER complain about the HD consoles getting a third party game and not the Wii, too. Why? Because a Wiitriol abuser will just scold them-- telling them to buy an Xbox 360 or Playstation 3 instead of whining. Notwithstanding, both are excellent consoles, however, how dare owners of the console with the most marketshare ask for third party games! Such insolence from them!

However, when a game is announced exclusive to the Wii, these Wiitriol addicts will complain why it is on the Wii and not their own console of choice. A great example is here where several HD users want a remake of Resident Evil 2 on their consoles and not the Wii. I mean, they already have Resident Evil 5? Why shouldn't they be entitled to more? And if Wii owners don't like it, they can get a 360 and PS3!

Honestly, who can blame Wii owners? The system is selling well, and Capcom and other companies still keep giving "tests" to Wii owners. If the Wii fanbase passes the test, then another game is chosen as a test until the third parties can say "Oops, you failed. No one games from us" like they want. Despite being the market leader, the Wii is still very much being treated by third parties as if it were a literal Gamecube 2. Perhaps there is some truth to the paranoia of Nintendo fans that third parties purposefully shaft Nintendo consoles...

Authorities suggest using these
special guns to fend off Wiitriol abusers.

Control Conundrums

Why a multi-console owner would ever want a Wii version of a game available on the PS3 and 360 is an idea that boggles the mind of many Wiitriol addicts. You'd have to be silly or abusing some other type of drug to want downgraded everything! Unfortunately, these people don't see that Wii controls are just preferred for certain genres-- most prominently, first-person shooters. A lot of people think the PS2 era of visuals are still pleasant to look at. Not to say games like Dead Space and Killzone 2 aren't gorgeous, they are, but our less vocal majority doesn't mind either way as long as it's pleasing to look at like Wii Sports and so forth.

Waggle Abuse

Of course, these Wiitriol users will just discredit any and all type of motion controls under the disparaging name of "waggle". Who cares though because who gets bent out of shape or offended by such a stupid name? Well, when it is constantly used incorrectly by the media who is mostly made up of the message board "manchild" fanbase (honestly, just read NeoGAF sometime. Wii-trolling is acceptable the majority of the time), it gets difficult to find any kind of worthwhile opinion on a Wii game from the media. From GameTrailers' Dead Rising 360 vs. Wii comparison where they show the worst parts of the Wii version (all on easy mode where there are far less zombies) to Gamespot's infamous "let's unenthusiastically play Wii Sports while sitting down", it's apparent there's a distaste for the Wii in most media-- thankfully, not all. IGN's desire to review shovelware games is a questionable one at best. Who is going to benefit from having obviously bad games reviewed? Does it give the Nintendo team something to do? They're already too busy acting like frat boys. Is it for the unaware gamer who'd pick up a copy? Seeing as IGN is a gaming enthusiast site, I find it hard to believe that a gamer would not know immediately whether a game was of severely poor quality or not. Sort of why the aforementioned GameTrailers comparison came off as a Wiitriolic episode. Why bother comparing when your userbase knows already which game is graphically better?

As I've said before in rather blunt terms about what waggle is:
It seems some of us are just getting lazy. Why bother trying to categorizing the big differences between pointer control, gesture motions, and just plain shaking the Wii remote like an idiot when we can just classify it all as the off-putting term "waggle"? I find it very easy to discern who takes the Wii seriously and who thinks it's a joke by how many times they use the word waggle. Waggle means to shake back and forth. I am not shaking back and forth when I taking a swing in Tiger Woods 09. I am not shaking back and forth when I flick the Wii remote upwards to catch a fish in MySims Kingdom. However, I am shaking back and forth when one of those charging zomb-- er-- mutants grab me in House of the Dead: Overkill. Now that is waggle. If motion-control is too big of a term to type, why not just use "motion"? Same amount of letters, less sounding like a douche bag when using it.

Being Absolutely Pathetic

This is an extreme degree of Wiitriol abuse. It's those who use ground up efforts like Skate It and Dead Space: Extinction as a way to laugh at Wii owners. "Please buy these games so they can make the real games on my console. HAHAHA!!!" It's an absolutely disgusting display, but we can only blame the Wiitriol's brain-altering effects. Unfortunately, the case with most Wiitriol users is that they are "absolutely pathetic" and without a doubt the most obnoxious and worst group in gaming today easily. With normal fanboys, it's just one console. With Wii haters, it's 360 + PS3 + PC users with a bug up their butts. Who needs rationality or logic? They don't. The sad part of this is that no forum is safe. GameFAQs, GameTrailers (well, this one isn't fair because the community is sad to begin with-- "u a fanboy! no u!"), and even NeoGAF (which seems to be the worst offender given that you'd expect more of those people to be informed...) are infected with Wiitriol users. DO NOT engage. Just laugh, call them bitter, and RETREAT!

If photos like this make you brim with rage,
you may need to be tested for Wiitriol.


I would advise treating someone dependent on Wiitriol to check themselves into a treatment facility for 1-2 weeks. A lot of these facilities have multiple activities to partake in such as yoga, swimming, meditation, group therapy, pizza parties, aerobic classes, haircuts, free deodorant, and other commodities to help a Wiitriol addict kick their addiction.

If that doesn't work, perhaps Wiitriol addicts/irrationals could take some human growth hormone. No, not for the purpose of bulking up, but for the sole purpose of growing up.

Feedback Appreciated!

What did you think of this article? Tongue and cheek, yes? Your comments are very much appreciated!


Anonymous said...


CrashMan here.

you have outdone yourself one again!

you not only take the words out of my mouth, it's like you took them out of my BRAIN!!

I have nothing more to say because you just said it perfectly.

kudos and keep it up. it's really tough not to just give up and let the Wii-haters have their way.... but for the sake of the gaming community, I think we need to try to spread this idealist notion of acceptance across all gaming platforms best we can.

ps - I won't plug my own website here, but if you feel like offering a link to our community forum... I think its "flame free guarantee" makes it a good fit for your article!

Unknown said...

Yeah. Don't plug WiiAreDeep, a great upstart blog devoted to all things Wii and a blog dedicated to defending the Wii against the Wii-tarded.

Definitely don't say that WiiAreDeep is run by CrashMan who is such an enthusiast of the Wii that he created WiiAreDeep even though he's a busy guy in real life.

Case in point: don't bring up WiiAreDeep, a site with a lot of promise and creativity.

[Just in case someone reading can't read between the lines: it's okay, Mr. Crash Man. ;)]

Anonymous said...

haha, thanks buddy, I appreciate it.

I just read through your article once again.... seriously, ya nailed it. I put a link to it from my site, but I think eventually I might link to it from my "Features" section so that it never gets lost.

ps - !!

Unknown said...

I added a couple of pictures since I thought the article looked blank. That should be all the editing I'll be doing on it though.

Anonymous said...

Good job, Phil. Sorry we couldn't help you in time, but you did just fine on your own I'd say.


Love, Zac Pritcher

Kyle said...

Great job Phil. Really great article, had me chuckling in some parts. Mostly because it was true. Gotta love that Wii hate (not really though, it does get annoying).

Unknown said...

I'm hoping RMC will post it. We'll see.

Kyle said...

Yeah, I've sent him quite a few of my early articles and he rarely posted them so I just gave up unless they're reviews.

But seeing how this is really funny and highly original, I'd say you have a good chance of RMC posting it on GoNintendo.