Friday, September 19, 2008

Ninjabread Man (Wii) Review

I was supposed to post this Thursday, but I fell asleep early and I slept the rest of the night away. However, it's okay. There will just be two reviews today-- one right now and one later tonight. We start off with the lowest-scoring review of mine. It's no surprise considering it's shovelware! I was really curious to see just how bad this game was. Do I regret it? Not at all. Most of my reviews are games that have at the very least some positive aspects to them. Ninjabread Man? Not so much. I'm asked why so many of my reviews are positive. Well. the games I review are purchased for the most part. I usually do research before deciding to purchase a game. I haven't gotten burned too much that way though it has happened as the second review today will show you. Regardless, here is my review of Ninjabread Man with another low-scoring review coming up later on within the day.

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Can't catch him he's the Ninjabread Man?

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Well, why the hell would you want to? Ninjabread Man is a shovelware title developed by some third-rate company cashing in on the success of the Wii. You play the title role as he traverses all three- yes, three-- levels and a short tutorial on his quest to find fuel cells. Collect all of the fuel cells in a level to power up the transporter sending Ninjabread Man to the next level to start the process all over again. Does the premise sound sweet enough for you? Yeah, sweet as getting a cavity.

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His expression says it all.

Right from the beginning you can tell that this game is pretty horrible. There is no cohesive story anywhere to be found in Ninjabread Man, so if you don't have the instruction manual to study up on this literary masterpiece then you're out of luck. Besides the absent story, you'll come across the main game which is pretty empty itself. You begin with a tutorial mission explaining the controls of the game. You can either opt to use the broken motion controls of the nunchuk to jump or simply press a button. A button is a much more intelligent choice as motion controls + crappy developers = a crappy cooker-cutter game covered in poop sauce. The nunchuk's control stick guides Ninjabread Man around.

Now we get to the fun part. Attacking is done by waving the Wii remote sideways. Well, this isn't necessarily true because even if you wave the Wii remote Ninjabread Man may or may not even attack with his sword. This means you're waggling your Wii remote around like a moron standing in front of an enemy who is open to attack you while you're TRYING to form some kind of offense. Thankfully, Ninjabread Man has a projectile attack where he can throw some kind of cookie shurikens at enemies-- hell, I don't know what he's throwing. It might as well be the crack that the developers of this game were snorting to believe that this game was actually ready to be sold.

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Are we having fun yet?!!!

Once you exit the brief tutorial you're thrown into the first level. This game's your standard platformer. The goal of each level is to find all of these fuel cell-type items to unlock a transporter that will send Ninjabread Man into the next level. Why is he doing this? Well, since there's no story here, we can assume he's doing this just because he's friggin' Ninjabread Man. Complete one level, go to the next to traverse around the sugary platform delights the game offers, once again searching for fuel cells.

What happens once you complete the final (third) level? Not a damn thing. You just get taken back to the title screen. Yippie! Fortunately you won't have to suffer long as the game took me less than an hour to complete. There's no replay value at all unless you just looooooove going through the game so much which makes me question your taste. Heck, if I paid the $30.00 for this title I'd try to delude myself into thinking I made a decent purchase, too!

From the bland Playstation 2 level-graphics to the ugly enemies that are hardly distinguishable, there's not a lot to take in from Ninjabread Man. Ninjabread Man himself doesn't look too shabby, but then again trying to say he's the best looking part of this game is like trying to discover the best-looking piece of crap after one of my dumps. Ninjabread Man shouts occasionally, but that's pretty much all the sound you'll hear save for the generic and uninspired music in the background.

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Even in widescreen this game sucks ass.

Lemme just say that Ninjabread Man isn't all bad. I was actually impressed at one point. There's a puzzle where you're supposed to run along an invisible path to reach one of the fuel cells. Fall down, and you'll find the solution to the puzzle saying how many steps you need to take to reach the fuel cell. Seriously, with the intelligence of the developers who made this travesty of a game, I was surprised they could think up a puzzle for this title.

Ninjabread Man actually has a lot of stuff going for it, but the developers simply squandered this potential. The game as it stands has broken motion controls, pathetic graphics, an incredibly short life-span (see: watching two episodes of Friends but without the anorexics), and very cheap production values. If you're still interested in checking out this title to see for yourself, by all means please rent. Purchasing Ninjabread Man is not only a stupid financial decision, but then I'd also have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.

[SuperPhillip Says]


Story: lol wut

Graphics: Yep, there ARE graphics in this game. I confirm and understand this.

Gameplay: The motion controls are broken, and the platforming is mediocre at best.

Sound: This is what they play in Hell if that's what you believe in.

Replay Value: No.

Overall: 1.5/10
- Crap on a disc. No amount of sugar could make this title sweet.

2 comments:

Chief said...

I lol'd. Thats gotta be the most hilarious review I have read in a long while. I'm guessing that you were pissed that you wasted money on this right? If I hadn't read you review I might have considered buying this, but not anymore. A+ review. XD

SuperPhillip said...

Oh, heavens no! It was a free rental, but I STILL believe I was screwed over from this deal! hehe